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Yom Kippur at Home
Guide

developed by Rabbi Goldie Milgram, author of

Reclaiming Judaism as a Spiritual Practice, &
Meaning and Mitzvah, &
Make Your Own Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Quote to consider before remaining home on the high holidays, unless you must:

"But this is the mystery of community - not only do the lower need the higher but the higher also need the lower. The souls bind themselves to one another for greater unity and height. There is a service that only the community can fulfill."  Martin Buber

The powerful themes of Yom Kippur can still serve your soul, where you are living is also holy. On Yom Kippur we show up in life hopefully having worked intensively on personal transformation and feeling that even if "God" would check us over, our efforts will be blessed.

Wear white today. This tradition reminds us of how pure our soul is given to us at birth; it is also the color of a new page, of the shroud we wear when our soul has left the body, and of an egg, reflecting our potential to re-birth ourselves again and again. Just as we endeavor to limit the shmutz we get on our soul, wearing white today reminds us of how when one moves gently with others how much more "pure" our connections become.

You might create your own "viduii" - a list of contemporary transgressions.  Notice how you feel as you read each one, pause on each, allow the meaning and possibilities for you to sink into your heart and soul. Give yourself a hug for each one where you sense improvement from efforts of last year!   Here are a few examples:

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

.....by teaching children prejudice through our attitudes.

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....by closing our hearts and neighborhoods to those who are different to us.

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....by forgetting to recycle

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....by labeling others and creating distance and pain

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....by selling inferior goods

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....by keeping silent in the face of evil.

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....by neglecting our parents.

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....by preventing others from attaining their earned successes

For missing the mark - "v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu" by

....not writing and pushing and donating for peace....

Feel free to edit this list, add your own items from the Torah of your own life....

You might choose to chant the Avinu Malkeynu prayer now
Avinu malkeynu, (some add eemaynu malk'taynu) haneynu v'ahneynu
Our Father, Our King (our Mother, Our Queen) be gracious to us, answer us
ki eyn banu ma-ahsim.
(Because we don't have the deeds yet done sufficiently)
Asey imanu, tzedakah va-khesed v'hosheeaynu.
(Make within us righteousness and lovingkindess, redeem us from ourselves.)

or perhaps the prayer:
Taher libeynu, taher libeynu, taher libeynu l’ovdekhah b’emet.
Purify our hearts, purify our hearts, purify our hearts to serve You in truth.

You might walk or sit and chant these over and over....what do you feel and notice as you do this?  (Click here for a guide to Jewish meditation)

My colleague Rabbi Shawn Zevit developed the practice of having two individuals face each other and alternate saying the following prayer written by Howard Thurmann. You might say this with your self, your family or friends and turn your heart toward the Source of Life - how does it feel to say these words as though you are heard?

Reader A           Reader B  (then switch at the end and begin again)
Open unto me - light for my darkness
Open unto me - courage for my fear
Open unto me - hope for my despair
Open unto me - peace for my turmoil
Open unto me - joy for my sorrow
Open unto me - strength for my weakness
Open unto me - wisdom for my confusion
Open unto- me - forgiveness for my sins
Open unto me - tenderness for my toughness
Open unto me - love for my hates
Open unto me - Your Self for my self
Together:          Oh dear God, open unto me.  

Yom Kippur is about noticing the quality of one’s life and living and creating the image of there being little time left this year in which to effect meaningful transformation - we live as though the gates are closing on the book of our lives. This "in the moment" quality of Judaism asks us to turn to others and really say what might have gone unsaid for too long - words of lovingkindness and the deep sharing of hurts that need to be addressed.

And no, you do not have to forgive someone just because they ask. Teshuvah means turning, that can be a very gradual process and there are some who the best we may be able to do is pray them that they will some day transform - that doesn’t mean it will ever be safe to get near that person. For those where it does make sense, one way to phrase things is something like:

         Hello? Miriam? This is Reb Goldie. I feel there is tension between us. I would like to work on our relationship, to see if we can get to a better place with each other. Would you be willing to meet with me to help me understand what has happened from your point of view?  If you like, I will just listen and not speak my side of things unless you ask me to. And even if you don't want to do this right now, I understand. Please know that I'd be willing for you to call and ask to do this sometime in the future.

Do you have children at home?  Even if not, you might explore a physical understanding of turning which I'm taking from Sufi tradition.   The first half of a turn they say is the "will" and in order to complete the turn and not spiral off into space, the second half of the turn is "surrender".  Try twirling - what does this teach us about teshuvah - turning and re-turning ourselves and our relationships?

No where that I know of is it written that children are expected to fast or cease their play on this holy day.  Help them connect to teshuvah without toxifying them with too much severity.  Loving kindness is the greatest source of transformation we have.

Are you new to Judaism or a convert?  How does Judaism address "sin" differently than Christianity? Have your personal transformation spiritual practices changed through Judaism?

Another Yom Kippur home activity might be to open the Chumash (bible) and study the Torah portion for this holy day. Yom Kippur Morning: Leviticus 16.1-34, Numbers 29.7-11. Afternoon: Leviticus 8.1-30. Morning: Isaiah 57.14-58.14. Afternoon: Jonah 1.1-4.11, Micah 7.18-20.

     These verses about the sacrificial system - what wisdom might be found there-in? Today how do we transform errors into opportunities for healing? How can we do this without shedding blood? You also might go to the section of this web site called "Teshuvah Walks", these stories include quotes from great teachers of Jewish spiritual practice.

Perhaps you did not get to say kaddish recently- to remember those you have loved and lost during your life. You can light a candle as sunset and the beginning of Yom Kippur comes and tell those souls you remember them and thank the Source of Life for the great gifts of life and memories. There are also those we did not know, yet their deaths affect us and we can bless them on their journeys, as well.

You might wander in nature and marvel at creation, remember the items on your list about care of the planet and space. Where are you and your family in this process - are you happy with your efforts, how can you reach the mark more often?

One dear family wrote me a lovely description of how they did tashlich on the second day of Rosh Hashannah. One could adapt their story for use on Yom Kippur. Instead of throwing a piece of challah into a river to physically symbolize letting go of a difficult trait or error (see tashlich), since fasting* is a Yom Kippur practice, one can sit with self, friends, God, family, etc. and call out examples of a "missed effort" and its transformation into the opposite.

     For example: "Cowardliness - transform into courage!" Perhaps a friend or family member or the Source of Life responds to us - We support YOU! What do you hear when you do this?
    
*Fasting: I see the goal of fasting as a letting go of preparing, clearing up after and thinking about food while one travels deeply toward uninterrupted desired transformation.   There are very few fasts in Judaism, the body needs its nutrients and popular culture's idea that fasts "purify" the body is simply not the case. Those of us who can get dangerously hypoglycemic are halachically, no less healthfully, required to consume those calories and nutrients necessary to sustain life.

Coffee Hint: As someone who enjoys coffee and will end up with a withdrawal headache, it is my practice to increase the ratio of milk to coffee or decaf to caf for each of the days between Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur. By the time Yom Kippur comes, voila, no headache.

Food: I am one of those whose blood sugar can drop precipitously, at around l p.m. I eat 10 shelled peanuts and seem to make it through the day quite well. Experiment with what works for you while maintaining your spiritual integrity.

At the end of the day, once the sun has set comes the sounding of the long blast of the shofar. There are even some web sites with recordings of shofar blasts, perhaps you own a shofar and can blow your own.

         Even if you do not have your own shofar, lift up your voice and call out:
                                       T'KEE-YAH G'DOH-LAH! 

Now expanded and out in book form - Reclaimimg Judaism as a Spiritual Practice: Holy Days and Shabbat by Rabbi Goldie Milgram

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