Posting #45
Closing Ritual
Goldie: Has there ever been a ritual performed on the Internet? We’ve been giving a lot of thought to the steps of a proper ritual, there are numerous models from which one could select.
Barry: Slow down, shouldn’t we discuss why we are having a ritual in the first place?
"Go for it," you say.
"OK, I will."
Almost a year ago I held a closing ritual when I was forced to leave my practice. I found it to be a remarkable healing tool to acknowledge the significance of the event, the transition to another phase and to acknowledge the people affected by the transition. In the case of the practice, I was surprised and affirmed by the strong feelings expressed by my staff and patients. In turn I was able to express feelings of respect and love for them. I felt that we left the ritual feeling healed even though the practice was dead.
Ha! An aha moment. This is similar to healing a patient even though the patient dies. Healing and death are not exclusive.
So our cross country adventure, our escape into living in the present, our living with a virtual community, our graduation from "majoring in minors" to majoring in majors has come to an end.
"Why? I ask myself repeatedly as I go through another rite of passage - that of finding an apartment in New York. Are these principles not ones to live with forever?
I smell the scent of unfinished business here.
A ritual may help bring closure and point the direction for the future.
Right now I am sitting in my in-laws’ home in New Jersey. My father-in-law is reading a very sweet note written to Adam by a friend on his cross country USY tour. It’s 11.30 am. Adam is still asleep on the couch in the adjoining living room - totally oblivious to the music, the talking and the ritual. Goldie is checking e-mails on the other computer in the dining room. A scene of domestic bliss.
Shouldn’t Goldie be in on this?
Her sitting reviewing e-mails IS part of the ritual.
"Barry, Barry you got to see this!" She calls and laughs at the same time. Here is one of the numerous messages from readers that appears on the screen, this one appears in bright red letters:
Re: Barry’s Threat to Abandon Us
NO! You mustn't leave us wondering about all the loose ends! We PROTEST!
MORE MORE MORE!
Seriously, I have enjoyed these posts of your journals so much and I would love to know about the trip to the Ukraine and the move to NYC and your endeavors there.
With much love and gratitude,
Annie Treadwell
So, if you can play some sweet gentle music, and like me take a few deep breaths.
Welcome to our closing ritual.
In our favorite poem by Rumi, "The Guest House", he asks us to treat all our thoughts as honored guests - whether they are good or bad, happy or sad. We don’t know where our thoughts come from or where they go to. We need and welcome them all.
So we welcome all of you, whether our encounter was intense, or brief, by hug or by email, with an affirmation or a correction.
If we have offended anyone by these postings we apologize. At no time did we intend to offend. We recognized the risk of being honest and open and at times provocative.
This has been a truly spiritual journey for us.
Barry: What determines its spirituality? For me it was knowing that I was writing not only for myself, but for and with Goldie, and the readers who turned out to be traveling vicariously with us. And as any exercise in spiritual practice, this has given me awarenesses, fulfillment, connections to others, myself and Nature that I would never have otherwise had.
It took a great deal of work being on the road, writing at night after a day of sight- seeing, finding e-mail connections and so forth. It never became a chore. It has energized me, made me feel alive and useful.
So I want to thank you for being present, writing to us as many of you have, sharing your homes, welcoming us in person as some of you have - even in the case of Stacy who drove six hours round trip in Alaska for a few hours of meeting. Thank you all just for being there. Our journey west could have taken us away from people and community. Instead it brought us community, an expanding minyan for our lives.
I do want to tell you that your ideas, reflections and blessings have planted seeds in my head, ones that will one day germinate and be harvested.
Goldie: What Barry said goes for me too!
The next stage of a ritual often involves a form of re-telling. After a journey or experience each retelling is really a reframing from one’s new vantage points in space, spirit, and time. In my case, such tellings often evolve into stories - events grounded in truth which feel almost mythical as they become stream-lined for telling. Here is a first attempt at that:
Barry, a family physician with thirty years of experience, leaves the turmoil of managed care and takes a three month cross-country drive, a dream of a life-time....away from scheduled appointments, pressure - wanderlust, freedom...
Goldie, a rabbi and teacher of Jewish spirituality, risks taking an unpaid sabbatical from her post at a seminary to travel with her new husband in order to focus on her priority of nurturing this relationship.
He, a doctor, career in turmoil
She, a rabbi, career on fast track
He, longs for the open road
She, hates driving
He, loves maps
She, prefers directions
He, loves white space and broad expanses
She, loves to be surrounded with projects and memorabilia from her life
He, loves planning
She, loves spontaneity
His goal: To be present to the moment, experience the glory of North America
Her goal: To be present to the relationship, create a solid foundation for their future
They leave their huge home and head west in their aging minivan called VanGo.
He brings along binoculars, zoom lenses and a box of maps and touring books.
She brings along cell phone, lap top computer, printer and a box of rabbinic books.
Goldie and Barry begin to send regular e-mails about their adventures to a few close friends and family. Unbeknownst to them, when switching from a local e-mail provider to AOL, every person on Goldie and Barry’s many lists have begun receiving the travel journals. They send out a mass apology for what could be considered spamming (pardon the unkosher expression), only to be inundated with requests to be kept on the list of what one reader calls "the delightful spiritual travelog."
Initially conceived as a personal record of their journey, Barry and Goldie begin to receive over a hundred notes from people traveling vicariously with them from all over the world. They receive invites to stay with strangers who are reading the postings....friends from all over also offer hospitality. A virtual community emerges of people responding from their highest selves.
Remember decks of flip cards? The kind where you have a figure drawn slightly differently on each one and by flipping through them a little scene occurs? Here’s one for our journey.
1. We went from home in Reading, PA to the warm South African hospitality of friends in the coal-mining town of Pottsville to
2. the underground fires of abandoned in Centralia, PA to
3. a statue of Whistler’s mother in Ashland, PA (where Vinnie stalls) to
4. exploring the family tree with the Schultz’s in Warren, Ohio to
5. Barry’s post-grad training course on shame at the Cleveland Gestalt Institute and
6. walking the lake front of Chicago after Goldie’s deep shabbat with amazing women at the Project Kesher conference to
7. the value of long showers to scientists at the Fermi Lab linear accelerator in Illinois to
8. reclining against a nuclear missile and stealth bomber at the SAC museum in Nebraska to
9. skirting tornados on I-80 only to be struck by coincidence in meeting Barry’s daughter’s in-laws who also were going cross country in their bus to
10. Barry’s beef about "dead stock" over a huge steak in Des Moines to
11. eer! Realizing half the planet seemed to be getting our postings to
12. discovering the meaning of the loving and listening in Denver to
13. soaking with Jan and Steve in Glenwood Hot Springs to
14. being stunned into meditation by the beauty of Arches, Bryce, and Capitol Reef National Parks in Utah to
15. pondering the discovery of Pluto at the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, AZ to
16. a seven course breakfast b&b in ghost town Jerome, AZ to
17. Goldie’s exploration of spirituality for leadership with the Vancouver renewal community to
18. Barry’s discovery of bad art and a unique healing park in Phoenix to
19. an improbable circus at the level of soul in Las Vegas to
20. the eye-full feast of side-walk pastel paintings in Santa Barbara to
21. celebrating Shabbat wonderfully with new and old friends and family everywhere to
22. deriving great nachas (parental pleasure) from viewing Barry’s daughter Juliette’s paintings in a major gallery in San Francisco, Shabbat with Sharon Ufberg and clan, accidentally attending part of a Chinese funeral to
23. teaching on the deep spiritual structure of Jewish prayer in Santa Cruz to
24. hot-tubbing with Rabbi Leah Novick at Esalen overlooking the ocean cliffs of Big Sur to
25. wine-tasting in Napa causing flashbacks to the Ukraine to
26. defining the "big tree" in Redwood National Forest to
27. dying of Victorian perfection in Ferndale to
28. sooth-ing Shakespeare and teaching for Reb David Zaslow in Ashland, OR to
29. reflecting beside Crater Lake to
30. rose and Zen gardens and eye-balling life with Sara and Fred Harwin in Portland to
31. becoming waterfalls throughout Oregon to
32. parenting and grand parenting and dodging rain in Seattle to
33. climbing a glacier with Mark in Alaska to
34. seeing American eagles everywhere in Alaska to
35. each of us gaining ten pounds from all the eating to
36. Mark creating on board the cruise ship to
37. learning what’s really important from a shaman in Victoria to
38. the Kallah gathering of Jewish renewalists in Corvallis, OR to
39. a beer festival in Portland, OR then overnight in a castle in Tacoma to
40. coming home to family and cats in Cherry Hill, NJ and Reading, PA.
Pheww....that’s only some twenty percent of it all, ONLY YOU know the rest of the story.
We’re received over 80 pages representing maybe 200 e-mail responses and notes from readers.
When I get back from the Ukraine those appropriate for sharing will be posted to my web site at the end of the travelogue page, should you wish to peruse them. We have read them, reflected upon them and been changed by virtually every one.
Barry: We are leaving a large home that was designed to sleep innumerable people - but rarely did, and going to a tiny (but very nice and centrally located) apartment in New York City designed to sleep two - and which I hope will often sleep more. As I write these words, I am reminded of my beloved grandparents with their tiny apartment in Sea Point South Africa, where I and my forty or so cousins spent innumerable weekends and holidays and which was never empty.
We so enjoyed coming to you. We now invite you to come to us.
Enriched by your blessings, we are ready to recite our version and interpretation of the Jewish blessing for returning from a long trip:
N’varekh et M’kor HaHayim, haGomel l’khayaveem tovot, Sheh-gmalanu kal tov selah.
Let us bless the Source of Life, the bestower of goodness upon the undeserving, that has bestowed upon even us every possible goodness!
Goldie: At the end of a regular ritual what happens? A "seudah shel mitzvah", i.e., a meal.
And after a virtual ritual what happens? I guess we all go out for a byte!
Love and blessings forever, Barry and Goldie