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The First Step on An Impossible Journey:
Dealing with the Suicide of Someone You Love

 by
Rabbi Goldie Milgram, author of

Reclaiming Judaism as a Spiritual Practice, Meaning and Mitzvah, & Make Your Own Bar/Bat Mitzvah

A Broken Kaddish

Yitgadal v'yitkadash
How can I live without you?
Shmei rabbah
Why did you choose to go?
B'almah divrah
It was my fault
keerutei
Did G*d call you away?
V'yamleekh
Selfish you
Selfish G*d
malkhutei
Please don't be dead
v'hayeikhon
I need you beside me
u'v'yohmeyhon
I love you, my best friend
u'v'khayei
May your soul's journey
d'khol beit yisrael
be to incredible realms
b'agalah
where you feel only happiness
u'vizman
Bless me from where you are
kareev
not to die of grief
v'yimroo
or to hate you for leaving me
ameyn
or myself for losing you
y'hay shlamah rabbah
Dear unfair Source of Life
min shamaya
Give me back my beloved
v'chayyim aleynu
You bear this pain
va'l kol yisrael
I feel shattered
v'yimru
I am lost.

A Rabbi's Prayer

We are pathetic creatures
Y'hay shmei
limited, fragile
rabbah um'vorakh
easily lost
l'olam u'lahmey
Send your angels
almayah
imperfect one
yitbarakh v'yishtabakh
to receive the  soul
v'yitpa-ahr
of one who suffered
v'yitromahm
who ran to you too soon
v'yitnahsay
turn your guidance
v'yithadahr
to those left behind
v'yit-aleh
who struggle to understand
v'yit-halal
how to continue
sh'may
living life
d'kudeshah
for You
b'rikh huoseh shalom bimromahv
help me
hu ya-ahseh shalom
help her
aleynu v'al kol yisrael
choose life.
v'yimru, ameyn.